Woman. Her consent.

This nagging thought “Am I safe? Am I – really?” at the back of my head each time I am out on the road, extra-cautious steps through the lonely corridors of my apartment, the sense of relief as I close the doors behind me –phew! And then I get to read about women being attacked by outsiders, in their own homes. Now, a random noise near the door in the middle of the night gets me thinking about escape routes, possible weapons to fight and my chances of survival!

Having said that, none of this stops me from living my life in my own terms. Nevertheless, I am constantly on the lookout for that predator. And that is not the best state to be in.

This is easily the story of every girl/woman out there.

Which is that safe haven for a woman where she will not be constantly worried about a potential assault, an attack on her dignity and her right to freedom and possibly shamed by the society for rest of her life?

By the way, anyone who is even considering entertaining the thought that all-of-this-only-because-she-is-unmarried, please do me a favor – drink some extra water and swallow it right away!

Now, onto the part that we always revel in answering- WHY. What is the trigger for these tragic episodes? Everything from her clothes to personality to profession to friends to lifestyle to looks. For that matter, it could even be the food she ate that day! But definitely not the molester or rapist or anything remotely connected to him.  

To anyone who talks to me on the lines of “Oh, the kind of clothes girls wear these days – this is inevitable!” this is my stock reply:

1.      Two year olds (or even younger) are raped and killed in this country.

2.      I get the worst leeching stares from men when I go out wearing a saree, irrespective of the environment.

Now, let’s talk.

No level of punishment or outrage-in-social-media will help cure this disease. Only when a woman is convinced that she cannot and should not be blamed for acts that violate her world, can we hope to see a difference.

Let me just say this one last thing which to me is a case of blessing and curse in an uncomfortable marriage and end my rant: Not all men think short clothes/alcohol justify sexual assault on women. Not all women think there is zero justification for it. 

Life & Death

It’s been four years.

Four years ago on the 26^th of May, my family lost a battle to cancer. My father left or was rather forced to leave this world with the deadly disease taking over his body completely.

It took me four years to even pen down my thoughts. Why am I writing about something so personal? -this question plagued my mind each time I thought about it. But I have the answer now – this is more about a celebration of his life and the life-lessons that I want to share and less about my personal tragedy.

I always took his existence for granted. To me, he was invincible. When he was diagnosed with cancer initially, I just knew that he would come out of it fine. I waited calmly outside the surgery room for 13 long hours before they brought him out. Though it killed me to see him so frail and covered with tubes after the grueling surgery, I pulled myself together with an assurance that he will bounce back in no time. And he did. Even when the disease relapsed, I was confident that he would pull through. Finally when I was forced to face the reality, I had no time left. I barely made it to his side and held hands during his last few moments of consciousness.

We always tend to undermine if not ignore the fact that nothing about mortality is in our control. This moment is a reality, next is just a dream. So, do not wait. Celebrate your life. Express your feelings. Love openly. Enjoy. Hug your loved ones. Tell them how much you love them. Do what your heart tells you to do. The lost chance could break you. I never got an opportunity to tell him that he was the best ever and that he meant the world to me. I never got a chance to give him a tight hug. I never got an opportunity to give him all the happiness he deserved. How I wish I got one last chance!

A highly dignified acceptance of his disease, the consequent treatment, harsh truth of a near-approaching ending made me realize that something as deadly as cancer could only hurt his body and not touch his indomitable spirit. He never broke down even once in his last 3 years laden with super-strong medicines, unbearable pain and physical weakness. Even three days before his death when he sat down with us to eat breakfast for the last time, he was able to joke with me. I learnt then that I could either choose to give in to failures, disappointments and terrible phases that life threw at me or face it head-on and fight my way through as my father would have always wanted me to.

His death taught me that a relationship is not just about physical proximity. It is a matter of faith. The connection never ceases to exist. I might not see him, but he is around. I hear him deep within whenever I wish to. I feel the strength of his hands supporting me when I am in crisis. This faith keeps me going. This belief enables me to be stronger and face what this life has for me in store.

Few months after his death, I read a beautiful eulogy about him that said “we will not hear the gruff voice or see the rough-looking exterior anymore but one can hardly forget the soft heart that beat within.” That sort of summed up his life. He always went out of his way to help others. For all that he had done in as many years, we were offered unconditional help and support by people who knew him after his passing away. Strong values, firebrand attitude, immense courage, few but sharp words, amazing sense of humor, generosity, boundless love for family/friends and of course the rare but handsome smile! As much as people who know me well may disagree, I prefer to believe he left all that behind with me including the smile J.

Today as we get ready to do the rites on his anniversary, I know for a fact that he is with us. We do not need a specific day to remember him for he is always in our thoughts and lives. 

Rain

I stood by my window today, clutching the bars.. gazing longingly at one of the most beautiful sights ever..taking in the smell of moist earth and the dancing leaves..loving the sprinkle of mist on my face..

It could just be me going over the top with this.. but I have always felt, rain is a manifestation of the eternal romantic that Nature is.. that She’s trying to spread the magic of pure romanticism..that She’s trying to eradicate the dryness in our lives.. And I guess she’s been pretty successful with it :) . Are there many around who wouldn’t love to talk a walk in the rain, holding hands with his/her love?

Having been in Kerala all my life (minus last 3 years), Monsoon has been seamlessly weaved into my memories.. the beautiful ones in childhood include starting school in June with rain pouring down on us.. stretching my hands out to feel those rain-drops after being strictly warned against going out in rain..The best part about monsoons in Kerala is the visual treat of endless greenery dancing and enjoying themselves in rains.. it’s one of those things that can calm you down instantly and help your mind relax, whatever be the turmoil its going through.. After moving to Hyd, I made sure I never miss the rains.. be it taking long walks at night in my colony..or risking our lives and travelling on road during stints of heavy rain :).

On a side note..what one might find as breath-takingly beautiful on a day might be viewed as depressingly gloomy by another..in that context, Lady Nature could be empathising with one's pain and sharing her tears.. Rain, in that way, can be reflective of one's mood..And the ease with which it bonds itself with our soul is what I am in awe of.

The "Nair" factor !

This post owes its conceptualization to Mr.Shashi Tharoor and his recent tweets about Delhi Nair Service Society(NSS). The particular comments about remarkable work done by Delhi chapter of NSS and their non-communal nature got me thinking..

I was brought up in a world of social fabric that resonated the term "Nair" from each and every nook and corner. My parents have always been proud members and responsible administrators of the local chapter of NSS. A major chunk of my mother's friends are her counterparts there. So, inevitably, I have been a passive witness and faithful audience to their activities all my life.

The ability of this group to remain financially independent and socially active throughout these years has impressed me. The credit goes to their sense of pride in being a Nair. For example, a remarkable annual event held by these folks is the distribution of school uniforms and books to the economically backward students of a local NSS school. But on the other hand, what has always disappointed me is their false sense of restriction in utilizing this power to the maximum, that also seemed to have prevailed over the years. Consequently, this chapter has turned out to be yet another forum for like-minded people who are united by their strong sense of 'caste-hood' to socialize, more or less.

Given the impressive count of supporters and activists, they can go a long way in improving current state of affairs so as to have a better way of life. This could be a perfect platform to inculcate the change at grass root level. There are numerous things to consider in this respect. For one, the boundary of caste and religion should be confined to being a mode of unification for the members. They should be able to view a problem, be it educational, social, economic, moral or political, in its entirety; rather than have their vision clouded. Easier said than done; this is where the comment on non-communal nature of Delhi NSS chapter held my attention. It is essential to have frequent and effective communication between the numerous branches of NSS that span across India, for two reasons. One, as I mentioned, it helps people view things from a broad perspective. Secondly, it facilitates execution with minimal effort, given that the same path has been tread before.

Another matter of concern is the noticeable absence of young minds in this initiative. While in my early teens, I was asked to take up the responsibility of children's wing for the local NSS chapter- I still remember delivering a speech(rather, an ex-tempore) about how I will strive to keep up the heritage and develop a strong social sense in my fellow friends :-) All the while, I just had one thought nagging me- why am I here and not in the youth wing, instead? Later, I realised there was no youth wing in place to accomodate me, since I was the only willing soul. So, what keeps the youth away from such a venture ? Difference in fundamental beliefs of the organization or lack of need to be a part of the same ? Primarily, it could be a lack of vision. If this system has to be sustained for years to come, it is crucial to develop a sense of direction and a long-term vision that youth of today can identify with and work towards.

Ending note: A recent rally held by NSS in Trivandrum achieved its target- display of their sheer strength in terms of manpower. Questions remain, though: for the same amount of planning and resources that went into it, couldn't there have been a more constructive outcome that made a better impact ? Couldn't there have been an outcome that projected this enormous association for its ideals and capability to bring about a positive change in the society? Earlier we find detailed answers to these questions, earlier the realization that this organization is being hugely wasted and earlier we decide to do something about it before all of it withers away for good, the better.

Love

It is suicidal to love one who doesn't respect your feelings- someday, the dagger of insensitivity will slice through your heart, leaving you to bleed forever..

But we don't really think about it when we do fall in love, do we ? Maybe, hence the phrase, "falling in love". We fall first and lying down there, we start wondering what have we got ourselves into.. Falling in love is easy. Realization is slightly more difficult. Toughest part is making it happen. It is one thing to claim "I am in love ! World looks so much better today !" and yet another thing to convert it to a successful relationship.

I have always wondered- what is most crucial in the evolution of a good relationship? I wouldn't prefer the term "happy"; a relation is not about being happy 24X7, as much as it is about accepting lows and working your way through it. So, does a mutual feeling of intense like/need suffice? Personally, I believe it does. When two people want each other so badly, rest of their lives automatically fall into place. But then, it is purely dependent on your level of innate pragmaticism. The most common so-called pragmatic evil that I have known is the "social differences". "Hey, my neighbor's uncle's cat wont be happy if we are together !"- might be a little too self-damaging, I feel.

In a country like India, anyone and everyone are different from the other, in terms of religion/caste/sub-caste/economic strata/XYZ...Given, these things do matter to an extent. But many of them are wrongly perceived to be static and pre-defined in a person. For example, caste system prevailed in ancient Hindu society as a classifying factor of profession practised by respective members. Is that the same situation today? Do we stick to the ideologies/principles/rules that form the crux of our birth caste? Guess not. Then, why judge a person based on it? An individual's knowledge depth about Vedas and Upansihads might be really good but is a soldier in Army, a warrior destined to protect our nation; He might belong to some caste by birth that had nothing to do with either of the above-mentioned aspects. How relevant is it now?

When you take the relationship to the next level, your family comes into scene. A marriage creates a new bond between two families; it is important to be considerate of their feelings and expectations. But, there should be a balance. Giving up your life and going ahead to make your folks happy might just be what it is- a momentary or rather illusionary scene of happiness that you create for people around you. When and IF it blows up on your face later on, the sheer purpose is defeated. After all, your family who cares about you more than everything else, wouldn't want to see you failed in life ?

Coming back to my starting statement, never scorn at a person's feelings for you. It is but natural that you might not reciprocate it always. But, never question it or explicitly slam it as rubbish. For all you know, your sense of humor might be the villain; but the damage it causes to other person is huge and lasting. It might be few words spent for you, but it might be a life-time of pain for another. Be respectful of one's feelings; else, someday you might realise it the hard way, when you are at the other end..Trust me, it is important. Life is too short to be spent getting hit for such mistakes you make !

P.S:- Sincere apologies if any sentiments are hurt. Not intended at all. Also, as much as I am stubborn about my views/opinions usually, I do make a sincere attempt to be open about and understand others' ideas about the same :-). So, do feel free to let me know what you think..

An evening !

An evening solely dedicated to one of my biggest passions- dance; made even more special by an exceptional performance.

Having arrived quite early, I spent an hour observing my fellow audience who had come to watch a Bharatanatyam recital by Shobhana(a popular cine-actress and renowned dancer). Around 80% of the crowd were elderly folks; either groups of ladies or couples. Everyone had the same interest in their eyes; one of viewing a show that catered to their interests along with a chance to view the celebrity star live on stage. Restless children with their mothers, uninterested(but helpless) spouses with their partners and a handful like me(with smug "I-am-here-only-because-I-love-art" looks) formed rest of the crowd.

Shobhana, along with her talented orchestra presented us with an overwhelming experience of ragas, devotion, rhythm, mudras and beauty. The grace and poise with which she carried herself throughout the recital was amazing. What is as important a factor as the "nritha" and "natya" is the "bhavam", i.e., the expressions that an artist conveys. When she presented "SitaKalyanam", or to be more specific, the scene wherein Sita's suitors attempt to lift Lord Shiva's bow, to get her hand in marriage, the sheer ease with which she portrayed their vanity colored by a shade of humor, the naturality with which she brought about all those emotions without losing that grace of classical dance ever, just took my breath away. I could see that the entire crowd felt the same at that moment, by the vigor of applause she received shortly afterwards.

All in all, a wonderful evening that left me refreshed and with a resolve to keep the dancer in me alive forever...

Daddy's girl !

Second-time watch of a malayalam movie "Notebook" very recently got me thinking about a topic that has been debated, observed and analyzed forever:- a parent-child relationship.

To make the context clear, this movie has a particular scene in which a girl in her teens is facing her best friend's father's anguish over his daughter's fatal abortion attempt. She retorts back with a statement that silences everyone- "My friend was always scared of her dad; if at all, she could ever open up to you, she would have been with us today."

Being a rebellious daughter that I have been all my life, this line caught my interest. It indirectly conveyed the fact that for all the love and care that father gave his girl, she died because of some flaw in their relationship. What went wrong ?

To Daddies and Mommies:-

Today's Indian metropolitan society boasts of excessive freedom that kids get at home, an open communication that exists between parents and children, lack of discrimination for girls etc etc etc.. And definitely, parents in any part of the world loves their children irrevocably. So, why this discrepancy ?

A major problem, I believe is the reluctance that certain parents posess in accepting their kids for who they are. Given, your child has not seen world as you have or has the same level of maturity; but they need to know lot of things. Rather, they need to be educated by you. When you fail to do so, they choose other methods to know about the same; most of them doing irreparable damage. The movie bit I wrote about is just one tragic example.

Do not try to protect your child from the social malpractices and anti-social elements by keeping them in the dark; instil awareness in them; help them understand what awaits them when they start to face the world, away from your shadow. Do not lead them to believe that they are alone in case of a crisis; convince them you are there to help them with anything and everything.

Understand your child as you would, a friend. Both of you mght not necessarily have the same line of thought, not even close for that matter. But do not just dismiss his/her thoughts and ideas, tagging them as childish/immature. It is natural to be protective of your child, but be aware of the limitations. It would just increase the gap between you and your child- worst, they might never even look back as they move ahead in life.

Next, acknowledge the ever-changing society and its openness. Ten years ago, a dad would have been happiest if his daughter got married to someone of his choice. Today, he would be more than happy if she decides to share her life with a guy and not a girl !

P.S:- I have nothing against gay marriages or any other social norms.